Not Much New

Nothing much new has happened since the last time I posted something. Madalyn is still beautiful and trying to crawl.

I AM GOING TO COLORADO! I am super excited and super freaked out. I will be traveling alone with Madalyn. I am freaked out about the plane rides and 2 hour time change! But I will be seeing all of my family of whom I miss very much.

Tomorrow Madalyn and I are going to the water park, I will try to get some good pictures and post them.

Two Palms Construction is doing really good. Jamie is keeping busy and God is paying our bills.

I am finishing Breaking Dawn, which is the last book in the Twilight series. I love to read. Weird, I know.

Love you all.

Two Palms Construction LLC

So Christine and I started a business Monday. I've wanted to do it for years. So we're jumping in! I'm nervous and exicited! I've felt like I was supposed to start this sooner, but I was chicken.
We could use your prayers, and your business.

Happy Birthday !!!

Madalyn Isabelle Leigh

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




12/28/09

8lb 10oz 21in

What an incredible 3 days it's been!


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

still reeling

Yea, I'm still reeling from my aunts comment on my Oct 7, paradox. It was about my step dad, and his relationship with her and with me.
We grew up in the same house for quite a while. Me, my Mom, my Sister, my Aunt and my Gammy. I reall miss those days. Then he moved in.
It's really weird to see someone elses view of those days and how different it is.
Strange also is my Moms account of my sisters dad, Timmy. He was there when I was 7, 8, and 9 or so. I always thought he was the coolest dude. I feel as if he included me in stuff, he showed me stuff, taught me. Moms story with him is very different. Me and Mom just had that talk a few months ago.
I think when Ed came along I rejected him, and vise/versa.
It's been a couple of months since we met and I spoke to him about how I felt. It went as expected. and I havn't heard from him since. I'm sure one day I will hear from him, but I don't think it will be anytime soon.
It's funny how 20 years later I'm gathering new information, still trying to figure out what went wrong, hopeing I don't do the same with my child. Who is due any day now.

invisible forces

weird huh?
Last week I went to the Salvation Army with a friend who does free medical for the homeless. He has a big new RV turned into a mobile medical unit. 3 or 4 Drs, 1/2 dozen nurses and aids, it's pretty cool. He does 4 days at different locations and times. All to reach people to share Christ with them.
I had the opportunity to meet a guy from St. Lucia, I think, homeless, only been here a year, jobless, lonely, hopeless. We sat on my tailgate for a little while talking. It wasn't going very fast. When I was in his position I wasn't very forth coming with personal stuff to strangers either. Anyway, this gut walked up and just stood there, listening, seemingly wanting to be in the conversation. Pretty soon I was only talking to him, the St. Lucia guy walked away, and the new guy was an adamant atheist. A long pointless debate took place, mean while this guy from the islands walked back to my truck twice, looking at me and walking away.
I have always been a little weirded out by people talking about demon possession, and minions, and angels, and spirits and that stuff. But, afterward I felt as if I was distracted by some force from reaching out to this guy from St. Lucia. I realize he was hurting and wanting to be comforted. I was debating nature and feelings and organized religion and whatever else. I think it was just to stop me from reaching this guy. And it was pretty effective.
I hope this sunday the guy from St. Lucia will be there.

So, I called my Dad yesterday. We small talked for 20 minutes or so. I told him that we need to get together to talk about some stuff. He said ok. So I said how about tomorrow, I'm free all day. I had hoped he would call. I am considering telling him that if he wants to be in my daughters life at all it needs to start soon. My wife is due 1-1-10. We havn't spoken in about four years.
I'm doubting that he will say no, of course I want to be in her life, but I'm doubting even more that he will follow thru. Not responding to the invatation to our wedding really pissed me off. Not calling me in all this time, except once when I had called and he didn't answer and he called back while I was at work, isn't giving me much hope. I should remember that he has two sons that are really his. He only adopted me when I was 9. And he has always clearly loved them.
Part of me wants to leave him behind and never worry about it again, but it keeps coming up. I never met my real father, even though we lived in the same town. He has since died.
Sometimes I think that my relationship with him has negatively influnced all my "mentor" relationships. I think it has affected my relationship with God, the ultimate father.
I wonder if finally confronting him, either to start a real relationship or to end a failed one, will help. I wonder if he had the same troubles with his father.
I'm just thinking that I may have to deal with my feelings or emotions or whatever concerning my father I never met too.
We'll see.

Colorado Springs & Nashville

Last week Christine and I went to Colorado Springs and Nashville to visit family.
At my Mom's in Nashville went to see Steve Martin play banjo, he's pretty good.

In Colorado we went to Christine's brothers. I got to spend a 5 days with our nephew Ethan. He's almost 2 years old. It was quite the learning experience. I've been really worried about raising a child. But to see Mike and Mallory with Ethan, and their routine, I have been comforted. I know it will be difficult at first, big changes, no sleep, puke, poop, crying and a big mess at birth, but it will lead to a wonderful time with a child that will rely on us for everything.

I will probably even miss the times when we can set our baby somewhere, and she's still there when I look back at her.

We also went on a really cool hike at Glen Erie. It's a place that has a trail that after a couple miles leads to a waterfall.

And then we went home.

Paradox

paradox
[par-uh-doks] –noun
1. a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.
2. a self-contradictory and false proposition.
3. any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.
4. an opinion or statement contrary to commonly accepted opinion.

Paradox is one of the coolest words.
As Christians we can accept that Jesus was 100% man and 100% God. But we really butt heads on the rest of the bibles apparent paradox's. For 400 years a paradox of a sort has battled it out.
Calvinism and Arminianism
And sure there are many more. But these two have a way of bring out the most in Christians. At the core of beliefs, even more than spiritual gifts. I've been reading about both of these for a while now, and while I lean far to one side, I can still see the others points fairly clearly. I'm still trying to leave room for God to lead, but I'm struck with a question. Why isn't it clearer in the bible? Why not just say it plainly? I think I'm fairly smart, but I could see great confusion for some people I know, (for most people I know).
I'm beginning to think I should be taking my faith, my salvation, my practices and my belief system more seriously. Sure I'm glad I'm saved, but I should be grateful. I should be more humbled than I have been. I should be more thankful for all the Lord has given me. (and taken from me).
And there is another paradox;
fulfillment and discontent

running away

It seems lately the Lord has been revealing in me some things that I need to deal with.
I have noticed that I have created a new life far away from the family He trusted me to. It's typical that I first saw it in another family, one that I have become apart of.
Why is it that as men we feel that our fathers weren't good enough? (mine wasn't). I know very few men who think that their child life was what the God planned for them, for their best interest. It's so easy to see my fathers mistakes. It's even easier for me to continually set him up for failure. And so I continually set up our Father in heaven for failure also. I prayed, He (or he) didn't listen. I had a need, He (or he) didn't meet it. He (he) doesn't care.
The bible says "honor your mother and father". It's the only commandment that came with a promise, "so that it may go well with you". Honor them, I don't know anyone who did that growing up. I certainly didn't.
It's easy for me to hold my father responsible for my discontent, my short comings, my fears, my lack of confidence, my failure to show true emotions, my fill in the blank, over and over again.
My Pastor said something one day that rings in my head whenever I think about this, "My father's failure as a Dad, doesn't give me an excuse to be a bad son". As new creatures especially, responsibility has turned to us to mend broken relationships, to forgive not just our fathers, but the men who taught them, or didn't teach them. It's a broken system, it's been broken since just after the creation of the world. I'm no better than my Dad.
There is no one I want to see change more than the people I love. And no one whom it is harder to confront or forgive than those people who let me down.
"When I grow up I'm never going to treat my kids the way I was treated". Ever heard that? I can already see my self falling into the same mindset that I was raised on, I fight it, but i see it.
How different from my father am I, really? I only saw his dad a handful of times, so their relationship had it's limits, ours is non existent. He sticks to his mother for comfort, I did the same (only now my wife has a mother role in my life, as did my Mom)(I think). He has very little contact with his siblings, I do the same. He left his family and became integrated to mine, I'm pretty much doing the same. No one really knows what he is ever thinking, I keep too much to myself also. I don't approve of his current life style, he complained about his dads when I was growing up. I don't ever remember him saying anything positive about his dad, and neither do I.
And yet I'm am always trying to impress my boss, my pastor, leaders in my life, my friends, I still want my dads attention, I'm still waiting to hear "I love you, I'm proud of you". And I'm dieing a little everyday I don't get it. The truth is, he probably is proud of me, he probably loves me. But there is no way he will ever be able to give me all that I need.
And, as usual, the last place I turn, when I've exhausted all other options (i.e. the hardest worker on the job, gets the most girls, drinks the most, does the most drugs, goes to more places around the world, builds the coolest stuff, gains the most skills, gets sober, gets married, read the whole bible, etc, etc) when all else fails, then I fall to my knees and pray, in whatever form that happens to take at the time, and then only long enough to get right back up again, sometimes only long enough to get watery eyes, not quite tears.
I can see it happening right in front of me. I know I'm doing the same thing.
running away

helpless

Last thursday started out like most thursdays. I got up, drank some tea, brushed my teeth, read God's word while pooing, went to work. I had no idea I'd be wakeing up in the hospital. I fell of a roof, broke my collar bone and busted my head open. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
The weird thing is, the night before my wife and I were at the hospital because Christine was in severe abdominal pain. Thankfully it subsided with no explanation. With our little girl on the way there is no taking chances.
Lately I have all but forgotten the events that transpired in my life to change the path to destruction into the journey of life.
When we got home from the hospital, the second time, I was dirty, bloody and tired. With a freshly broken collar bone and a concussion slowly wearing off, bathing myself was impossible. Fortunatly I was able to hide my tears as I helplessly sat while my wife cleaned my wounds.
Erieely, I was once again standing in the dewy morning outside the Salvation Army in Bradenton Fl. Sunrise just peeking the horizon, the smell of the dirt and grass and garbage, the sound of morning birds blended with the old cars of blue collar workers going to work. The only hope left was that of a quick ending. I havn't felt helpless or hopeless in so long.
It's sobering to remember that time and place in my life. It is absoultly beautiful to be comforted and cared for by my wife. My church has been making us dinners every night this week. They mowed our yard. And they are continually offering their services and prayers and time. I've never experienced people helping like this. I'm a little uncomfortable. I've learned the hard way not to depend on anyone but myself. I have started a mental list of all the people we have to pay back. how messed up is that?
The bible teaches us that our Father in heaven supplies our every need. Usually I take the credit for my own strength to work to sustain myself. In the heart of the matter I wonder if I think I make the sun shine the rain fall and the grass grow, all in my own little universe.
I feel as if God is trying to show me something, and I'm not yet seeing it.
I want to be closer to God. I want to trust Him more. I want to rely on Him more. I want to know Him more. I want to be known by Him, more.

neopolitan ice cream

This last month Christine and I have been building a nursery, for our little girl.
It's been a lot of fun working side by side with my wife. I've built so much for so many other people, it's nice to build something for my own family.
My own family!
After we were all done we realized that our color scheme looked familiar.
Neo Polotian Ice Cream. Everybody loves ice cream!
Now we need to name our baby. I thought it would be easier.
Any thoughts?

Raiseing a Boy

So, these last few years I've read books, done programs, had support groups, did big men's events,and anything else I thought would help find out who I really am. Along this journey I've learned so much about what God intended a real man to be. I learned mostly what a boy needs. What I didn't get. And how it helped to shape most of my life.
So it was so obvious that God was teaching me to raise a boy. I knew what I was going to do differently from my own childhood. Communication, love, strength, security, humility, forgiveness, adventure, confidence, and so on.
So Friday we went to the Dr's office to do an ultra sound. I knew that while we were there they would confirm the sex of our boy.
It's a girl! And I'm just as happy, suprised, I'm going to have a little Princess!
So I spent the next couple of days wondering where God went wrong. (just kidding) I've been wondering where I mislead myself. What did I miss? Where has God been going with all this?
So I was driveing down the road kinda wondering, kinda praying, and God spoke to my heart. "I wasn't prepareing you to raise a boy, I was raiseing a boy". light bulb comes on
I felt like Daniel San from the Karate Kid. I thought I figured out what God was doing.
God has been Fathering me. Giveing me the childhood lessons I needed. To be the man He intended me to be, the father, the husband, the friend, the son.

Daddy Classes

This week I finished my 12 week Nurturing Fathers class, Developing Attitudes and Skills for Male Nurturance. Hosted by Children First.
When I found out we were pregnant, the first thing my friend told me was, you have to take daddy classes. What? Yeah, daddy classes. So we started going every Wednesday night for 3 hours.
The first day I thought I was in the wrong place. 2/3 s of the room was court ordered. Many of those had child abuse charges filled against them. Yeap, defiantly in the wrong place.
12 weeks later. Our final class. Many of them had their families with them. It was cool to see how their loved ones were seeing improvements already. They even form dad support groups.

So the last few years I've been thru alot of learning about who I am and why I do the things I do. I have blamed most things on my "Dad". Lately I've been remembering alot of good times with him and my Mom and Sister. He wasn't the best Dad, but I rarely gave him a chance to.
So, Men's Fraturnity, Experienceing God, Nurtureing Fathers, and a few other programs I've been blessed to get involved with, all seem to put some focus on our failed relationships with our fathers. But I think I'm a little responsible too.

Anyway, this latest class started on how we were rasied, and ended on how we are planing to raise our children, a plan, a promise, with room for adjustments. For our final assignment we were to write out our commitment:
The Father I Choose To Be
Christine and either Joshua or Madaline, we'll see which one soon.
We've both been on a journey for a long time, seperately at first, now together. We both want to be the best parents we can be. I beleive it starts with being the best husband and wife can be.
These past few months I've recalled something our pastor said in one sermon, he's been to ... alot ... of hospital beds to pray with people as they leave this life. He's never heard any one say, "I wish I had worked a little more over time or, if I had only gotten that one more promotion or, I wish I had one more party weekend or, whatever". What all these people said was, "I wish I had spent more time with my family". I know this world will pull us in 20 different directions.
My promise is this,
I will always put you and our child or children first. And I hope that when I don't, you will remind my of what's important, and what's not. I love you "P"!

Pregnant!

That is a word that has sent shivers down my spine for the last 20 years. It's like hearing about someone who got into a terrible accident, one they could have avoided.
I hve spent most of my life not wanting to bring a child into this horrible world.
Kinda like marriage. Another tragic event that most people fell victim to.

I can't beleive how much it took to open my eyes.
I'm looking at a picture of my wedding right now, two people, two families, infants to Grandparents, three or four generations. It's Beautiful! Kinda like this world when you see it thru His eyes.
Since starting my journey to find God and His purpose for me, a lot has changed. I've changed. I've been secretly thinking about how I would raise a child for some time. I searched the scripture's about how to love my wife long before I met her.
And here I am, anxiously waiting for our baby, I'm nervous. I'm reminded of how I felt waiting to kiss my wife for the first time. Is giddy a real word?
Sooo much is going to change, I know, I have no idea.

We are Homeowners!!!

What an adventure buying a home is, NOT! Owning a home is much easier, so far.
I still can't beleive we did it. Thank God my wife is so good with budgets and record keeping. We already have a multi-year plan for changes, additions and remodeling.
So, a day after we got the loan approved, I quit my job. Kinda weird. I was a little nervous. 2 days later I got another one makeing more money. Go figure.
I'm so relaxed now. It's been a long, long time since I felt this way. Years. I've imagined having a home I could invest my time in since I first started working after school.
praise God, praise God, praise God

trying to buy our first home

As exciteing as it is to shop and search and check out homes with the asperations to be a home owner, the stress is almost equal to excitement, (almost). It looks like were getting to the final steps toward closeing on "Our first Home". Hopefully the releif after closeing will be soothing. It's hard to beleive that I'm married, buying a home, talking about having kids, attending church, trying to understand God, and generally being responsible. I figured it would happen at some point in my life, I kinda thought it would have been a little sooner.
But I don't think I would change much. All the stories I could tell, some sad, some happy, some scary, some unbeleiveable. But lately, joyful stories. Joyful, it's like a french word that I never quite understood.
So we're on pins and needles waiting for the finals on our house.
Now we wait!

What man intends for evil

So, this weekend my wife is at "Walk to Emmaus". I have encountered another paradox in my life. I miss her, I miss sleeping with her, snuggleing for a few minutes before I shove her to the other side of the bed. I really miss waking up next to her, she sleeps much longer than I do, I miss seeing her asleep. This is the paradox, I havn't slept this good in about,,,,, 8 months and 2 days.

Another paradox I found this weekend is justifying the means for the end. By this I mean, I hear people say, "it's o.k. to lie, cheat, steal, deceive and slander if I'm doing it for the Lord". "If good things come from it, then the Lord has had His way". The needy people are desprate for help, and what ever means we have to use to help them is fine, as long as they're needs get met.
I am reminded of my favorite story in the whole bible, Joseph. Genesis 38 - 47. Joseph was sold into slavery by his 11 brothers. While in slavery he became the head slave of his masters house. Then he went to jail, he became the head of all the prisoners. Then he was brought before Pharoh king of Egypt, and he became leader of Egypt second only to Pharoh himself. When famine hit the land many years later Josephs brothers came to Egypt to find food. Not recogniseing their brother they were kept alive by Joseph. They were given what ever it was people ate back then to survive. If Joseph had not been in the position he was in, egypt would not have prepared for famine, if they had they certainly would not have given food to Hebrews.
What man ment for evil, God used for good.
Here's my problem, Joseph was sold into slavery. The means were not justifiable no matter what the end was. God didn't need Joseph. Good came from it, praise God, but it was still evil. God dosn't need us to sin to save His people. God dosn't need us at all. Selling our brothers into slavery is exactly the type of thing Christ died for. Maybe had his brothers not sold him he might have perpared the Hebrews instead of the egyptians, then they would have been coming up to Israel to seek help.
I don't know, I am just amazed at how we can justify the things we do, and the things we let happen. We can't exploit the hardships of the fallen to promote our "ministry", we can't manipulate peoples emotions to reach a goal.
The ends are important, but the means are just as important.

I wish I could remember his name

Too often I lose contact with people who impact my life in huge ways long before I realize they've had an impact.
A few years ago (5 or 6) I spent around 75 days in the "Charlie Wells Motel" (Manatee County Jail). While there I met an old black man. He had graduated from Arizona St. He went to Seminary somewhere. He led a small congregation for many years. I'm not sure how he ended up on crack cocaine. He had bad heart trouble. A couple times a week he would go to the medical unit for an afternoon.
I had gotten a bible issued to me, your only allowed one a year, no matter how many times you get arrested. I had started to read it all the time. After I read Genesis, he asked me "What do you think about Melchizedek?". Who? "Melchizedek! You said you read Genesis, oh you looked at Genesis, but you didn't read it." From that night on we were up from midnight to 5am every night. He taught me to study the bible. Look up words if I don't understand them fully, look up words I think I understand but don't use very often and see if I use them right. Every story is from the mouth of God, what's He saying to you in this one or that one? For the first time in my life I was studying, intensely. Suddenly every page was layered with hidden meanings. Especially Genesis! And he would pray. Like he was talking to God, his friend, whom he admired, and trusted, and respected, he did it quietly, like He was right next to him.
Just before I got released I got moved from G4 to G3. Shortly after my move I heard an old man died of heart trouble in G4, no one knew his name, just some old black man. That was the moment I realized God had caused our paths to cross for a short time, just in time. He loved every story about David, he was fascinated by him. I had told him I have trouble memorizing verses, he said just find one, one that means something close to you. Start with one, if it takes a year to memorize it. Then build on it.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I still have the bible. I can still see his face. I wish I could remember his name.

We must each work out our own salvation

Friday night was an awesome night. One of my friends just got out of prison, Ray Ray. He's about 23, good hearted kid, very misdirected. So my churches youth group has been meeting on Sunday nights for a few months now having a time for worship and study. They have expressed some concerns about some teaching they're receiveing from new friends, teachings that conflict with what they have been taught by their home church, South Shore. What was so cool was that a few of them had asked one of my friends if they could come over on a friday and talk about what they're seeing. They left a birthday party to come and look for answers. So there we are, 3 adults, 3 guys from the same christian drug treatment program I graduated from, and 3 youth sitting around a fire going over biiks of the bible. The 9 of us, and 2 dogs, had an awesome time just talking about what certain verses mean, how do the 1st century morals and practices apply to us in the 21st century, which "doctrine" is right, what does this word mean, or what does this statement mean. They came prepared, they had already read and studied, and loaded their questions. It was awesome! Such young kids, high school, who really want to know the truth. It was nice to see my friends from step house watch these kids show such intrest in the Word of God. I really felt the Lord was guideing our words and stories. I'm not much of a theologan, so my experience in life is really all I have to share. In all, I think the 11 of us were really blessed to just hang out and talk about the Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit. (it was selby's first fire, she was a little freaked out) We were truly gathered in His name and He was there. We're all on a journey!

I have started today's blog for a forth time now. I kept feeling like I was making it up. The truth is, I'm new at being a Christian. Christian, I don't get too many people who are happy to hear that's what I am. Most people I meet and let them know have bad history with "Christianity". Whether it be over zealous evangelism or condemning remarks or just bad witnesses of who Christ is, I find it harder to befriend people who have crossed paths with so called "Christians" than I do befriending Hindu Indians who believe in something very different from what I believe. How do we win them over with so many bad christians? It's frustrating!
I grew up thinking I was Christian because I was American. Never opened a bible, I was very uneasy at the name Jesus, and boy was I sinful. I think that is part of the problem, a small part. I think the bigger problem is that people want to be thought of as good people, and good people go to church, and have a bible somewhere. Sunday morning bench warmers, but the rest of the week and sunday for that matter they've got under control. And yet I believe the biggest problem is that people don't believe in Satan. They don't think they can be decieved, manepulated and used by an all evil being who is bent on destruction of souls. A very wise man in my life once said to me, "the nature of deception is that one does not know they are being deceived". At one point in my life I could have easly replaced every they, them and people in the previous sentences with Jamie, me and I. Some times I still can.

I don't mean to point the finger, I'm guilty too. Just pointing out what I perceive. There are much more experienced people than me who could correct or expound on what I think.

Next weekend I go to "the Walk to Emmaus" for 3 days & nights. I could use some prayer in preperation. I want this to be what it is supposed to be, whatever that is. Christine goes the weekend after me. We are really looking forward to it.