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paradox
[par-uh-doks] –noun
1. a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.
2. a self-contradictory and false proposition.
3. any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.
4. an opinion or statement contrary to commonly accepted opinion.
Paradox is one of the coolest words.
As Christians we can accept that Jesus was 100% man and 100% God. But we really butt heads on the rest of the bibles apparent paradox's. For 400 years a paradox of a sort has battled it out.
Calvinism and Arminianism
And sure there are many more. But these two have a way of bring out the most in Christians. At the core of beliefs, even more than spiritual gifts. I've been reading about both of these for a while now, and while I lean far to one side, I can still see the others points fairly clearly. I'm still trying to leave room for God to lead, but I'm struck with a question. Why isn't it clearer in the bible? Why not just say it plainly? I think I'm fairly smart, but I could see great confusion for some people I know, (for most people I know).
I'm beginning to think I should be taking my faith, my salvation, my practices and my belief system more seriously. Sure I'm glad I'm saved, but I should be grateful. I should be more humbled than I have been. I should be more thankful for all the Lord has given me. (and taken from me).
And there is another paradox;
fulfillment and discontent
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
running away
It seems lately the Lord has been revealing in me some things that I need to deal with.
I have noticed that I have created a new life far away from the family He trusted me to. It's typical that I first saw it in another family, one that I have become apart of.
Why is it that as men we feel that our fathers weren't good enough? (mine wasn't). I know very few men who think that their child life was what the God planned for them, for their best interest. It's so easy to see my fathers mistakes. It's even easier for me to continually set him up for failure. And so I continually set up our Father in heaven for failure also. I prayed, He (or he) didn't listen. I had a need, He (or he) didn't meet it. He (he) doesn't care.
The bible says "honor your mother and father". It's the only commandment that came with a promise, "so that it may go well with you". Honor them, I don't know anyone who did that growing up. I certainly didn't.
It's easy for me to hold my father responsible for my discontent, my short comings, my fears, my lack of confidence, my failure to show true emotions, my fill in the blank, over and over again.
My Pastor said something one day that rings in my head whenever I think about this, "My father's failure as a Dad, doesn't give me an excuse to be a bad son". As new creatures especially, responsibility has turned to us to mend broken relationships, to forgive not just our fathers, but the men who taught them, or didn't teach them. It's a broken system, it's been broken since just after the creation of the world. I'm no better than my Dad.
There is no one I want to see change more than the people I love. And no one whom it is harder to confront or forgive than those people who let me down.
"When I grow up I'm never going to treat my kids the way I was treated". Ever heard that? I can already see my self falling into the same mindset that I was raised on, I fight it, but i see it.
How different from my father am I, really? I only saw his dad a handful of times, so their relationship had it's limits, ours is non existent. He sticks to his mother for comfort, I did the same (only now my wife has a mother role in my life, as did my Mom)(I think). He has very little contact with his siblings, I do the same. He left his family and became integrated to mine, I'm pretty much doing the same. No one really knows what he is ever thinking, I keep too much to myself also. I don't approve of his current life style, he complained about his dads when I was growing up. I don't ever remember him saying anything positive about his dad, and neither do I.
And yet I'm am always trying to impress my boss, my pastor, leaders in my life, my friends, I still want my dads attention, I'm still waiting to hear "I love you, I'm proud of you". And I'm dieing a little everyday I don't get it. The truth is, he probably is proud of me, he probably loves me. But there is no way he will ever be able to give me all that I need.
And, as usual, the last place I turn, when I've exhausted all other options (i.e. the hardest worker on the job, gets the most girls, drinks the most, does the most drugs, goes to more places around the world, builds the coolest stuff, gains the most skills, gets sober, gets married, read the whole bible, etc, etc) when all else fails, then I fall to my knees and pray, in whatever form that happens to take at the time, and then only long enough to get right back up again, sometimes only long enough to get watery eyes, not quite tears.
I can see it happening right in front of me. I know I'm doing the same thing.
running away
I have noticed that I have created a new life far away from the family He trusted me to. It's typical that I first saw it in another family, one that I have become apart of.
Why is it that as men we feel that our fathers weren't good enough? (mine wasn't). I know very few men who think that their child life was what the God planned for them, for their best interest. It's so easy to see my fathers mistakes. It's even easier for me to continually set him up for failure. And so I continually set up our Father in heaven for failure also. I prayed, He (or he) didn't listen. I had a need, He (or he) didn't meet it. He (he) doesn't care.
The bible says "honor your mother and father". It's the only commandment that came with a promise, "so that it may go well with you". Honor them, I don't know anyone who did that growing up. I certainly didn't.
It's easy for me to hold my father responsible for my discontent, my short comings, my fears, my lack of confidence, my failure to show true emotions, my fill in the blank, over and over again.
My Pastor said something one day that rings in my head whenever I think about this, "My father's failure as a Dad, doesn't give me an excuse to be a bad son". As new creatures especially, responsibility has turned to us to mend broken relationships, to forgive not just our fathers, but the men who taught them, or didn't teach them. It's a broken system, it's been broken since just after the creation of the world. I'm no better than my Dad.
There is no one I want to see change more than the people I love. And no one whom it is harder to confront or forgive than those people who let me down.
"When I grow up I'm never going to treat my kids the way I was treated". Ever heard that? I can already see my self falling into the same mindset that I was raised on, I fight it, but i see it.
How different from my father am I, really? I only saw his dad a handful of times, so their relationship had it's limits, ours is non existent. He sticks to his mother for comfort, I did the same (only now my wife has a mother role in my life, as did my Mom)(I think). He has very little contact with his siblings, I do the same. He left his family and became integrated to mine, I'm pretty much doing the same. No one really knows what he is ever thinking, I keep too much to myself also. I don't approve of his current life style, he complained about his dads when I was growing up. I don't ever remember him saying anything positive about his dad, and neither do I.
And yet I'm am always trying to impress my boss, my pastor, leaders in my life, my friends, I still want my dads attention, I'm still waiting to hear "I love you, I'm proud of you". And I'm dieing a little everyday I don't get it. The truth is, he probably is proud of me, he probably loves me. But there is no way he will ever be able to give me all that I need.
And, as usual, the last place I turn, when I've exhausted all other options (i.e. the hardest worker on the job, gets the most girls, drinks the most, does the most drugs, goes to more places around the world, builds the coolest stuff, gains the most skills, gets sober, gets married, read the whole bible, etc, etc) when all else fails, then I fall to my knees and pray, in whatever form that happens to take at the time, and then only long enough to get right back up again, sometimes only long enough to get watery eyes, not quite tears.
I can see it happening right in front of me. I know I'm doing the same thing.
running away
Thursday, September 24, 2009
helpless
Last thursday started out like most thursdays. I got up, drank some tea, brushed my teeth, read God's word while pooing, went to work. I had no idea I'd be wakeing up in the hospital. I fell of a roof, broke my collar bone and busted my head open
. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
The weird thing is, the night before my wife and I were at the hospital because Christine was in severe abdominal pain. Thankfully it subsided with no explanation. With our little girl on the way there is no taking chances.
Lately I have all but forgotten the events that transpired in my life to change the path to destruction into the journey of life.
When we got home from the hospital, the second time, I was dirty, bloody and tired. With a freshly broken collar bone and a concussion slowly wearing off, bathing myself was impossible. Fortunatly I was able to hide my tears as I helplessly sat while my wife cleaned my wounds.
Erieely, I was once again standing in the dewy morning outside the Salvation Army in Bradenton Fl. Sunrise just peeking the horizon, the smell of the dirt and grass and garbage, the sound of morning birds blended with the old cars of blue collar workers going to work. The only hope left was that of a quick ending. I havn't felt helpless or hopeless in so long.
It's sobering to remember that time and place in my life. It is absoultly beautiful to be comforted and cared for by my wife. My church has been making us dinners every night this week. They mowed our yard. And they are continually offering their services and prayers and time. I've never experienced people helping like this. I'm a little uncomfortable. I've learned the hard way not to depend on anyone but myself. I have started a mental list of all the people we have to pay back. how messed up is that?
The bible teaches us that our Father in heaven supplies our every need. Usually I take the credit for my own strength to work to sustain myself. In the heart of the matter I wonder if I think I make the sun shine the rain fall and the grass grow, all in my own little universe.
I feel as if God is trying to show me something, and I'm not yet seeing it.
I want to be closer to God. I want to trust Him more. I want to rely on Him more. I want to know Him more. I want to be known by Him, more.
. You never know what tomorrow will bring.The weird thing is, the night before my wife and I were at the hospital because Christine was in severe abdominal pain. Thankfully it subsided with no explanation. With our little girl on the way there is no taking chances.
Lately I have all but forgotten the events that transpired in my life to change the path to destruction into the journey of life.
When we got home from the hospital, the second time, I was dirty, bloody and tired. With a freshly broken collar bone and a concussion slowly wearing off, bathing myself was impossible. Fortunatly I was able to hide my tears as I helplessly sat while my wife cleaned my wounds.
Erieely, I was once again standing in the dewy morning outside the Salvation Army in Bradenton Fl. Sunrise just peeking the horizon, the smell of the dirt and grass and garbage, the sound of morning birds blended with the old cars of blue collar workers going to work. The only hope left was that of a quick ending. I havn't felt helpless or hopeless in so long.
It's sobering to remember that time and place in my life. It is absoultly beautiful to be comforted and cared for by my wife. My church has been making us dinners every night this week. They mowed our yard. And they are continually offering their services and prayers and time. I've never experienced people helping like this. I'm a little uncomfortable. I've learned the hard way not to depend on anyone but myself. I have started a mental list of all the people we have to pay back. how messed up is that?
The bible teaches us that our Father in heaven supplies our every need. Usually I take the credit for my own strength to work to sustain myself. In the heart of the matter I wonder if I think I make the sun shine the rain fall and the grass grow, all in my own little universe.
I feel as if God is trying to show me something, and I'm not yet seeing it.
I want to be closer to God. I want to trust Him more. I want to rely on Him more. I want to know Him more. I want to be known by Him, more.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
neopolitan ice cream
This last month Christine and I have been building a nursery, for our little girl.
It's been a lot of fun working side by side with my wife. I've built so much for so many other people, it's nice to build something for my own family.
My own family!
After we were all done we realized that our color scheme looked familiar.
Neo Polotian Ice Cream. Everybody loves ice cream!
Now we need to name our baby. I thought it would be easier.
Any thoughts?
It's been a lot of fun working side by side with my wife. I've built so much for so many other people, it's nice to build something for my own family.
My own family!
After we were all done we realized that our color scheme looked familiar.
Neo Polotian Ice Cream. Everybody loves ice cream!
Now we need to name our baby. I thought it would be easier.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Raiseing a Boy
So, these last few years I've read books, done programs, had support groups, did big men's events,and anything else I thought would help find out who I really am. Along this journey I've learned so much about what God intended a real man to be. I learned mostly what a boy needs. What I didn't get. And how it helped to shape most of my life.
So it was so obvious that God was teaching me to raise a boy. I knew what I was going to do differently from my own childhood. Communication, love, strength, security, humility, forgiveness, adventure, confidence, and so on.
So Friday we went to the Dr's office to do an ultra sound. I knew that while we were there they would confirm the sex of our boy.
It's a girl! And I'm just as happy, suprised, I'm going to have a little Princess!
So I spent the next couple of days wondering where God went wrong. (just kidding) I've been wondering where I mislead myself. What did I miss? Where has God been going with all this?
So I was driveing down the road kinda wondering, kinda praying, and God spoke to my heart. "I wasn't prepareing you to raise a boy, I was raiseing a boy". light bulb comes on
I felt like Daniel San from the Karate Kid. I thought I figured out what God was doing.
God has been Fathering me. Giveing me the childhood lessons I needed. To be the man He intended me to be, the father, the husband, the friend, the son.
So it was so obvious that God was teaching me to raise a boy. I knew what I was going to do differently from my own childhood. Communication, love, strength, security, humility, forgiveness, adventure, confidence, and so on.
So Friday we went to the Dr's office to do an ultra sound. I knew that while we were there they would confirm the sex of our boy.
It's a girl! And I'm just as happy, suprised, I'm going to have a little Princess!
So I spent the next couple of days wondering where God went wrong. (just kidding) I've been wondering where I mislead myself. What did I miss? Where has God been going with all this?
So I was driveing down the road kinda wondering, kinda praying, and God spoke to my heart. "I wasn't prepareing you to raise a boy, I was raiseing a boy". light bulb comes on
I felt like Daniel San from the Karate Kid. I thought I figured out what God was doing.
God has been Fathering me. Giveing me the childhood lessons I needed. To be the man He intended me to be, the father, the husband, the friend, the son.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Daddy Classes
This week I finished my 12 week Nurturing Fathers class, Developing Attitudes and Skills for Male Nurturance. Hosted by Children First.
When I found out we were pregnant, the first thing my friend told me was, you have to take daddy classes. What? Yeah, daddy classes. So we started going every Wednesday night for 3 hours.
The first day I thought I was in the wrong place. 2/3 s of the room was court ordered. Many of those had child abuse charges filled against them. Yeap, defiantly in the wrong place.
12 weeks later. Our final class. Many of them had their families with them. It was cool to see how their loved ones were seeing improvements already. They even form dad support groups.
So the last few years I've been thru alot of learning about who I am and why I do the things I do. I have blamed most things on my "Dad". Lately I've been remembering alot of good times with him and my Mom and Sister. He wasn't the best Dad, but I rarely gave him a chance to.
So, Men's Fraturnity, Experienceing God, Nurtureing Fathers, and a few other programs I've been blessed to get involved with, all seem to put some focus on our failed relationships with our fathers. But I think I'm a little responsible too.
Anyway, this latest class started on how we were rasied, and ended on how we are planing to raise our children, a plan, a promise, with room for adjustments. For our final assignment we were to write out our commitment:
The Father I Choose To Be
Christine and either Joshua or Madaline, we'll see which one soon.
We've both been on a journey for a long time, seperately at first, now together. We both want to be the best parents we can be. I beleive it starts with being the best husband and wife can be.
These past few months I've recalled something our pastor said in one sermon, he's been to ... alot ... of hospital beds to pray with people as they leave this life. He's never heard any one say, "I wish I had worked a little more over time or, if I had only gotten that one more promotion or, I wish I had one more party weekend or, whatever". What all these people said was, "I wish I had spent more time with my family". I know this world will pull us in 20 different directions.
My promise is this,
I will always put you and our child or children first. And I hope that when I don't, you will remind my of what's important, and what's not. I love you "P"!
When I found out we were pregnant, the first thing my friend told me was, you have to take daddy classes. What? Yeah, daddy classes. So we started going every Wednesday night for 3 hours.
The first day I thought I was in the wrong place. 2/3 s of the room was court ordered. Many of those had child abuse charges filled against them. Yeap, defiantly in the wrong place.
12 weeks later. Our final class. Many of them had their families with them. It was cool to see how their loved ones were seeing improvements already. They even form dad support groups.
So the last few years I've been thru alot of learning about who I am and why I do the things I do. I have blamed most things on my "Dad". Lately I've been remembering alot of good times with him and my Mom and Sister. He wasn't the best Dad, but I rarely gave him a chance to.
So, Men's Fraturnity, Experienceing God, Nurtureing Fathers, and a few other programs I've been blessed to get involved with, all seem to put some focus on our failed relationships with our fathers. But I think I'm a little responsible too.
Anyway, this latest class started on how we were rasied, and ended on how we are planing to raise our children, a plan, a promise, with room for adjustments. For our final assignment we were to write out our commitment:
The Father I Choose To Be
Christine and either Joshua or Madaline, we'll see which one soon.
We've both been on a journey for a long time, seperately at first, now together. We both want to be the best parents we can be. I beleive it starts with being the best husband and wife can be.
These past few months I've recalled something our pastor said in one sermon, he's been to ... alot ... of hospital beds to pray with people as they leave this life. He's never heard any one say, "I wish I had worked a little more over time or, if I had only gotten that one more promotion or, I wish I had one more party weekend or, whatever". What all these people said was, "I wish I had spent more time with my family". I know this world will pull us in 20 different directions.
My promise is this,
I will always put you and our child or children first. And I hope that when I don't, you will remind my of what's important, and what's not. I love you "P"!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Pregnant!
That is a word that has sent shivers down my spine for the last 20 years. It's like hearing about someone who got into a terrible accident, one they could have avoided.
I hve spent most of my life not wanting to bring a child into this horrible world.
Kinda like marriage. Another tragic event that most people fell victim to.
I can't beleive how much it took to open my eyes.
I'm looking at a picture of my wedding right now, two people, two families, infants to Grandparents, three or four generations. It's Beautiful! Kinda like this world when you see it thru His eyes.
Since starting my journey to find God and His purpose for me, a lot has changed. I've changed. I've been secretly thinking about how I would raise a child for some time. I searched the scripture's about how to love my wife long before I met her.
And here I am, anxiously waiting for our baby, I'm nervous. I'm reminded of how I felt waiting to kiss my wife for the first time. Is giddy a real word?
Sooo much is going to change, I know, I have no idea.
I hve spent most of my life not wanting to bring a child into this horrible world.
Kinda like marriage. Another tragic event that most people fell victim to.
I can't beleive how much it took to open my eyes.
I'm looking at a picture of my wedding right now, two people, two families, infants to Grandparents, three or four generations. It's Beautiful! Kinda like this world when you see it thru His eyes.
Since starting my journey to find God and His purpose for me, a lot has changed. I've changed. I've been secretly thinking about how I would raise a child for some time. I searched the scripture's about how to love my wife long before I met her.
And here I am, anxiously waiting for our baby, I'm nervous. I'm reminded of how I felt waiting to kiss my wife for the first time. Is giddy a real word?
Sooo much is going to change, I know, I have no idea.
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