running away

It seems lately the Lord has been revealing in me some things that I need to deal with.
I have noticed that I have created a new life far away from the family He trusted me to. It's typical that I first saw it in another family, one that I have become apart of.
Why is it that as men we feel that our fathers weren't good enough? (mine wasn't). I know very few men who think that their child life was what the God planned for them, for their best interest. It's so easy to see my fathers mistakes. It's even easier for me to continually set him up for failure. And so I continually set up our Father in heaven for failure also. I prayed, He (or he) didn't listen. I had a need, He (or he) didn't meet it. He (he) doesn't care.
The bible says "honor your mother and father". It's the only commandment that came with a promise, "so that it may go well with you". Honor them, I don't know anyone who did that growing up. I certainly didn't.
It's easy for me to hold my father responsible for my discontent, my short comings, my fears, my lack of confidence, my failure to show true emotions, my fill in the blank, over and over again.
My Pastor said something one day that rings in my head whenever I think about this, "My father's failure as a Dad, doesn't give me an excuse to be a bad son". As new creatures especially, responsibility has turned to us to mend broken relationships, to forgive not just our fathers, but the men who taught them, or didn't teach them. It's a broken system, it's been broken since just after the creation of the world. I'm no better than my Dad.
There is no one I want to see change more than the people I love. And no one whom it is harder to confront or forgive than those people who let me down.
"When I grow up I'm never going to treat my kids the way I was treated". Ever heard that? I can already see my self falling into the same mindset that I was raised on, I fight it, but i see it.
How different from my father am I, really? I only saw his dad a handful of times, so their relationship had it's limits, ours is non existent. He sticks to his mother for comfort, I did the same (only now my wife has a mother role in my life, as did my Mom)(I think). He has very little contact with his siblings, I do the same. He left his family and became integrated to mine, I'm pretty much doing the same. No one really knows what he is ever thinking, I keep too much to myself also. I don't approve of his current life style, he complained about his dads when I was growing up. I don't ever remember him saying anything positive about his dad, and neither do I.
And yet I'm am always trying to impress my boss, my pastor, leaders in my life, my friends, I still want my dads attention, I'm still waiting to hear "I love you, I'm proud of you". And I'm dieing a little everyday I don't get it. The truth is, he probably is proud of me, he probably loves me. But there is no way he will ever be able to give me all that I need.
And, as usual, the last place I turn, when I've exhausted all other options (i.e. the hardest worker on the job, gets the most girls, drinks the most, does the most drugs, goes to more places around the world, builds the coolest stuff, gains the most skills, gets sober, gets married, read the whole bible, etc, etc) when all else fails, then I fall to my knees and pray, in whatever form that happens to take at the time, and then only long enough to get right back up again, sometimes only long enough to get watery eyes, not quite tears.
I can see it happening right in front of me. I know I'm doing the same thing.
running away